Friday, December 27, 2013


I have been an extremely ineffective blogger this year.  It's funny how that impulse to write and share and ruminate comes and goes.  Truth be told, a lot of the motivation to post was to make sure that I had a record of the things going on in my life - and from time to time I do go through my blog and relive some moments past.  But, one might say, the thrill has gone.

It has been a hard year in some ways ("hard" in first-world terms that is...I count my blessings, really I do), and certainly a year of turning more inward than outward.  I haven't really wanted to share, I haven't really wanted to let people look at what is going on with me.  And I know that in part that is because I don't want to look too closely myself - it's a familiar pattern for me.  Usually when I'm quiet, it's because I have had to take my toys off to my own corner of the room and think for a bit.

It's a funny thing.  In some ways, I am happier with myself and my life than I have been in years...BUT I'm also dealing with some staggering insecurities.  And I know I'm going to have to face up to them very soon, and it scares me.  But I also know that as soon as I do, they will be less scary.  Not immediately, but eventually.  And I do honestly have the feeling that once I get through that process I will find something...good.  I've been dialling it in for too long, at least in some parts of my life.  It's got to stop, but like all bad habits, it's hard to make that change.

But enough of that.

Despite my near complete silence, and the moaning in the first few paragraphs, it has been a year that rightfully deserved a lot of time and writing.  There were some great little jaunts across the border - I wrote about the Portland trip, but not about the fun I had again this year with my pals at Hump! (and for those of you brave enough to watch one of the festival winners, you can find it in the comments under the link...and get ready to say 'ouch').  There were some great theatre pieces, dance works, and concerts. I challenged myself of the dating front in ways that I couldn't have anticipated.  And, happily, I now have a house that looks a little cheerier from the outside.

So, I will leave you this year with a photo that pretty much captures me at the moment, taken as I got ready for a Christmas party I really REALLY didn't want to go to.  A bit blurry, hiding behind a bit of put on shine, and living in a state of minor chaos.  Hopefully next December I will present a more focused sense of self.